Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.

I've been here in Abilene for 5 days now and I'm having an awesome experience already. The women in the cast are RIDICULOUSly amazing and I am so lucky to be sharing the stage with them. Everyone on the creative team is as nice and supportive and talented as I thought they'd be! It sure is a whirlwind to rehearse and mount a show in ten days but every day I feel like I personally am making big strides in getting to where I want to be for the performances. So, good stuff is happening. Yay! I am really enjoying the rehearsal process (even if I'm EXHAUSTED at the end of the day) but I am also excited for when we open and we have free time during the day to explore the city. There seem to be a lot of cool little shops and antique stores around here. I also have some auditions to prep for and a Shakespeare monologue to memorize for one but I can't put the cart before the horse. We open a week from tonight!!

The castle! a.k.a. Great Plains!

This guy was making really good time on his laps. I was impressed.

Statue scared the crap out of me when I walked by. I'm assuming this is Ike Eisenhower.

Downtime at our first rehearsal.

Surprise cake for Jimilee's Birthday!

My chair!

Home is Wherever I'm With You

I've been home for two weeks and so far it's been pretty okay. I really haven't had too much time to sit feel sorry for myself and missing my Little Rock friends family. These two weeks have been full of unpacking, organizing, remodeling (including an additional closet rod and a SHOE CLOSET!!) and spending time with my family and my puppies. I'm glad I got to catch up with some friends and drink some good local beer, but it still feels strange. I'm not sure where I am when I wake up. I keep double-taking when I see people who resemble Arkansans. I'm always so disappointed when it isn't them. Right now I'm feeling excited for my next gig, and simultaneously terrified. I'm truthfully scared of failure, and scared that this will be my last play in a long time. I know that's the vampires talking ( [title of show] anyone?) But it's how I feel. I think once I get to Abilene and get down to rehearsal (One week, yeehawwww!) I will feel a bit better. I always do. Trying to focus on the positives and move forward. Something's coming.

But for now.... PUPPIES!

I love them so hard.

I'll See You Later or Please Don't Crying

    It's happening. My parents are here. Most of my belongings are already packed away in boxes and sealed shut. All of my artwork and knic-knacks are safely stowed away. The beer is (almost) gone. Tomorrow is my last full day in Arkansas and thus ends my year-long adventure. It's crazy to think about how much has changed since last year when I moved out here. I knew no one, was living on my own for the first time, and working my first relatively long-term/big-girl acting job out of college. It was lonely and scary and frustrating for a long time. But even through the hard times I knew that I had met some pretty cool people. And those pretty cool people turned out to be some pretty amazing, inspiring, life-changing people. And that has made all the difference. Tonight I parted with possibly my best friend here. She's the first person who reached out to me with open arms and sarcasm and laughter and I will love her forever for all of the things she is and has done for me. I started to cry and she pet my face and said, "Please don't crying!!" I have a feeling I'm going to have to tell myself that more than a few more times before I leave and even after. I will make myself a promise not to say goodbye. I will

only say see you later because I will do my damnedest to return and hopefully do some more kickass theater in the Natural State.  I leave Little Rock with a heavy heart, but it is because it is so full. I am so fucking lucky.

A quiet last moment in the theater. I think an empty stage has such a presence. There are memories of the past, but there is so much possibility and hope for what is to come. (Cue: "I Was Meant For The Stage" by The Decemberists. Okay... I swear I'm done.)

.

This Is How It Works

One of my awesome Playmaking students rocking my swag.

    So Summer Theatre Academy is in it's second week now and it is exhausting yet gratifying work. I do however, feel burnt out and anxious. I'm leaving here so soon and I feel very torn. I spent so much time not feeling comfortable here and being homesick, and now with a few weeks left I am dreading leaving. I like having employment. I love having these friends and feeling like I could be part of a little community. I like these kids. I love having my own apartment. It's going to be very hard to leave. A good friend of mine told me that I have to focus on the positives waiting for me back home or I will drive myself crazy. It's easier said than done. No matter if I went or stayed, I would miss out on or lose something. I do miss my family and my puppies. I miss my few friends still at home. But living at home isn't easy when you're a young adult, and our house is very small for five grown adults and three VERY grown (fat) doggies. I know home is the best place to be for what I want to do. I want to dive back into the Philly theatre scene. I have to start getting myself to New York and save money and live at home as long as my parents will have me. I just never expected to fall in love with this place. Sure it's not perfect and I still get lonely and whatnot, but that's anywhere: that's life. I'm sure I have great experiences awaiting me back east, I just needed to share how I feel. This is (hopefully) the first of many times I will have to leave a place just as soon as it felt like home.

Alexander Lie Down. YES.

    But alas, the actor's life for me. It's worth it. Here's an example of why I need to keep pursuing this. I've  had one male high-school student in my project and in one of my classes for almost two weeks now. He is a fantastic singer with this great tenor voice and is very expressive and energetic. He's a smart kid. But for some reason his words get all mushed up in his mouth when he speaks. I have him in my Voice and Diction class, and I was repeatedly telling him to over-accentuate his articulation, but no real audible change was happening. He has a major part in our project and is barely understandable. It was puzzling. But today in class he was working on his Spoon River poem and I had a suspicion that his problem was with placement and using his facial mask as his primary resonator to get the words out. I really don't know what I'm doing, but I had him place his fingers on the sides of his nose on his cheek bones and had him really over-do it with the nasal resonance. He started to speak and the other students who were sitting in the back of the auditorium. "Wow." One even said. It was amazing to see that I could help someone who wants to pursue professional acting change a habit that was really going to hold them back from working. It was a really nice moment. I know I'm not the best teacher, but I am learning, and it was really special that I had a part in this young actor's growth. I know my voice and speech teachers have changed me forever as a performer and I'm forever thankful. I only hope I can be half as impactful as they were.

So yeah, I guess that's why I have to go on to bigger and better things. I'm not finished learning. I'm not finished discovering. I can't stay in one place, as safe as it feels. I have to take some risks and live my life. Wish me luck.

My kids trying to get out of a knot. This was chaotic to say the least.

This wouldn't be my blog without some dog pics! Introducing Salvador Dogi, everyone!

Me and lil Sal and/or Bambi.

Home is Wherever I'm With You

    It has recently come to my attention that I will be moving back home in about 40 days and leaving this year in Arkansas behind. And you know what? Several months ago I couldn't wait to leave. But now I know I'm going to be a little more than heartbroken. Something has happened in the past several months. I guess it takes this long to get close to people in a new place, but I feel like I'm just getting comfortable.. with living alone, my job(s), and my friendships. I'm starting to feel like I fit somewhere, and I haven't felt that way since college. Living at home isn't the worst thing in the world. There are things I love about home. But besides my family (roommates) most of the people who made home a place worth living have moved away or have very busy jobs and families of their own. I was not expecting to leave this many people behind that I truly have connections to. And maybe it is only a handful of folks, but I will miss that handful dearly. I know I have things to look forward to at home. Philly theater, NYC trips/auditions, STEEL FREAKING MAGNOLIAS!!!!!! And old, true friends. But as unlikely as it seemed at first I am definitely leaving a piece of my heart here.
In other news, Junior Arts ended and I've gained back my sanity. Teaching at Summer Theater Academy has been a blast. I really enjoy the kids and have been learning tons from the more experienced teachers. Also enjoy my restaurant job. (Whoda thunk?)

Alright, photo catch up:

So adorable when they all sang at once. As soon as the singing was done though chaos ensued.

Seriously the sweetest kid at JA.

Super kids!

The most terrifying child art from Junior Arts. Good luck sleeping tonight.

Some nice friends kept me company while I watched Oliver at Arkansas Shakes!

Amurrica. Little Rock.

Not gonna try to explain this. But it will haunt me for a long time.

Also today I re-read all of my earlier posts and one quote of mine from my very first post stuck out to me. Going to attempt to take my own advice:

" But I do have faith that once I am settled and throw myself into the work and am reminded once again of why I chose this path (because it makes life worth it) I will start to get myself together."

Yankee's Back

So what's new? Well, I went on an adventure back to the Garden State to spend a whopping day and a half with my family and puppies before hitting the road with my dad to bring my car back to Arkansas. The visit was far too short, but at the same time it feels good to be out in the world doing things. Home is something I know I will always have to come back to (and I will be moving in shortly, so I better hope I'm still welcome!) but as scary and lonely as it is a lot of the time, I know I need to keep on truckin with this whole acting-and-pursuing-happiness-in-my-own-life type deal. 

Sometimes it's real hard. But overall it's worth the uphill climb. I think. Ask me in a few days when I'm curled in the fetal position on my oh-so-short lunch break away from the hundred something 5-9 year olds I'm teaching/directing/trying to not strangle. (kidding!) Last week was eight 45-minute acting-movement classes. This week I will be working in two 4-hour blocks with both of my performance groups. I wrote a 5 minute "play" (it's more of a modge-podge performance) for the younger group and a 10 minute PLAY (I wrote stage directions and everything! Also, it may or may not have been inspired by Mike Birbiglia) for the older group. I'm hoping it all goes smoothly and there are no tears shed over parts when I assign them tomorrow. I'm still pretty uncomfortable around crying children. I've made several cry so far. I swear it wasn't my fault!! Kids are just a lot to handle, but I hope I can at least inspire/teach/reach out to 1 out of 100.

I think Daisy missed me.

Joey and I had no idea. Did you?

Boys watching tv on the couch.

It was so hard to leave those little furry faces.

Second day of school outfit. I love getting away with dressing like a kindergardner.

Peachy Keen, Jellybean

     I apologize for the almost month-long silence over here on the blog. I was completely overwhelmed with James And The Giant Peach. I loved my character and enjoyed being a physical, comedic actor, but I would lie if I said the rehearsal process and performance schedule wasn't taxing. It absolutely was.   I had bruises all over my body (still do, actually) and allergies and fatigue had affected my voice. It probably wasn't too noticeable and I'm probably being too hard on myself but I hate feeling like I'm doing less-than-my-best work. Sometimes (most of the time) you don't get the luxury of an understudy and a day of rest and you have to push through two-show days, rude audiences on their cell phones, and illness running rampant through the cast. But I really did love it overall. Now that I've had some time away from it I definitely miss it. I know the kids in the show had a great experience too and I thoroughly enjoyed getting to know them. The sad truth is that I don't know when I will be doing a musical comedy again. It might be a long time. (I hope not!) So I'm glad I stayed as positive as I could and that this show has me filled with great memories.

 (Above photos by the lovely Heather Canterbury)

For now I am focusing on teaching kiddos, which will occupy my entire summer. I have a class right now of five 7-8 year-olds and they are a lot to handle, I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to handle about a hundred more! But they are sweet kids and it makes me happy knowing I am helping them gain confidence in themselves and guiding them to be creative little people. I have a few more weeks before I'm full-time teaching, so I really have to find some things to do to keep my occupied. Should I clean my apartment? Of course. Am I going to? Very unlikely. Hopefully I will get some bike time in before the weather is so unbearable that biking would be suicide. Arkansas summer, I am not prepared for you in the least. Have pity on this poor Jersey girl.

Here are some recent off-stage moments.

I took far too many pictures of myself as the worm. I might have been a little obsessed.

On his big 3-0 Jeremy arrived to the green room to find a pretty wonderful birthday cake made by the boy playing James. Biggest sweethearts ever, both of them.

Accurate Centipede cake with 42 (not 100) pairs of boots, dragon flesh (well aged, not fresh), a beetle with just a splash of vinegar, and noodles made from poodles on a slice of garden hose.

The old-people bugs.

The insects.

Ex-Billy Goats drinking Goats do Roam wine.