Friday, January 17, 2014

I Never Feel Magic Unless I Am With You

New Years with my best friend!

So I haven't written a blog post in some time. I think it's hard to keep up a blog about acting if you feel you aren't working at the moment. And by feel I mean... am not working at the moment. Which is fine. Currently I am playing the role of bubbly, let me upsell till I have no soul left server scrapping for tables at a new restaurant. Life is on hold. And I am finally feeling that mid-twenties panic that causes people to settle down pre-maturely and marry the wrong people and start pumping out babies because "oh my god I'm gonna die someday my clock is ticking here you're mildly attractive lets live happily ever after I guess." Not that I'd ever do it but working with a bunch of 19 year olds for the first time I really felt OLD. Which is scary. Especially in a business that values youth and beauty so much. I'm not saying I'm used up yet. But I can see it on the horizon.

Along with increasing anxiety is the fact that I talk to myself a lot more. I was never one for talking to myself. Maybe cursing if a bee was chasing me but not exactly having a conversation with the little demon. But now I find myself in my car just commenting on the world around myself. "Eff yeah taco bell!!" I exclaim as I pull into the drive-thru. Or I tell myself "Well, that sucked." I'm starting to think I really need some human companions instead of mostly dogs. Having three dogs  lends oneself to getting used to one sided conversations.

My other job is substitute teaching. You feel like a sleep-deprived, mid-twenties loser shadow of a person. At least elementary school kids "see" you. I might as well be a cardboard cutout of their teacher with a fake smile plastered on my face. I wear the same clothes every day. My hair is pulled back all of the time. I can't afford days off. I feel like a shell of someone who just a few months ago was kicking ass in a musical and connecting with audience members and adoring life. I was wondering when the post-show depression would kick in. Well, christmas is over folks. 

I am positive though. Just thought I'd share this experience. I know you have felt this. I know those of you not even in the arts have felt or are feeling this. I know it will get better. These periods of not-work really make you savor and appreciate the periods of omg I'm working and not only that I'm doing GOOD work. All I want to do now is not panic to pay my bills. That'd be a nice bonus. Then I could go see some Philly theater I've been dying to see. I need to see David Ingram on stage. That has to happen. So any donations would be generously accepted. Thanks in advance!

And here's some further proof that the only thing Daisy loves more than lounging on the couch is being photographed being ridiculously adorable:

My girl.