"Actors have to deal with time spent not acting and, during these
doldrums, doubts about the validity of the enterprise may arise. Doing
some writing could help chase those spooks away." - D.W. Brown
At one time writing this blog was a great exercise for me- to be able to put my thoughts down about my acting career and reflect positively on things (which many of you know- might not be my strong suit ;) ) But living at home and working at a restaurant in my home town eventually made me start to feel stagnant. The drive to audition and hustle and pursue the dream of a full-time career in performing became less and less. I felt out of touch with the Philly scene because I lived and worked in Jersey. I lost confidence in myself and thusly- lost confidence in this blog. I would think to myself, "How can I write a blog about being an artist when I haven't booked anything lately? What will I talk about? All I do is work now!?" I know this energy is negative and un-productive, but it's how I felt for a long time. And it was starting to gnaw at me. I was negative and not the best version of myself. I decided I was ready to hunker down, save money and make the leap and move to NYC. Why not? I had nothing left to lose. This was about a year and a half ago I came to this conclusion. I was working 6 or 7 days a week and saving money. I was going to do this!
Then I met a guy in a bar. A very handsome gentleman who wasn't at all my "type". He was muscular with classical good-looks and an (unfortunate) bro-haircut. He fell for me hard and fast, and my gut instinct wouldn't allow me to reciprocate. "But I'm going to New York! This isn't supposed to happen! He's so different! Why is he moving like a freight train!?" He said, "I love you." and I politely thanked him. But things happen and my resistance wore down and I fell in love in my own time and on my own terms. But without me realizing it- everything about this relationship wasn't right. He originally seemed so wholly supportive of my career goals. He looked up apartment situations in North Jersey and said he was willing to make the commute for a year or two for me to try out my New York dreams. We moved in together in his house three blocks from my childhood home. It was a crazy whirlwind. And then he started to change. Dramatically. He was distant and moody. The same man who had run a Spartan race and than came home and rubbed my feet after my measly 6 hour shift suddenly became this selfish person I didn't recognize. Naturally, when things change the instinct is to say, "What did I do wrong?" "What's wrong with me?" "Why is the most loving man I've ever met suddenly so cold and cruel?" I became a shell of my former self. He told me that he couldn't handle if I booked a 7 month gig on a boat. He couldn't handle if I went to grad school far away. But we never really had an actual discussion about these things. He just got angry that I didn't want to help paint and decorate a house that I didn't really want to live in.
And then he cheated on me.
And after he cheated, he led me to believe that he still wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. And for that to happen- I would need to promise to be okay with living in South Jersey. And then we'd get married and live happily ever after and put this all behind us.
When someone you love abuses you- it is hard to comprehend. I was sick and in love and desperate- but something inside of me knew that when this man asked me to give up something I've wanted since I was a little girl----that I could not in my heart answer yes.
SO
That was a pretty horrible thing to have happen to me. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But I am SO glad it did. I dodged a bullet that would have changed my life and caused me nothing but pain and regret. I remember another moment- when I was in the midst of this inner conflict. I am not religious- but I have some kind of frail belief in the Universe. Or something. I'm not sure. But I remember at my lowest asking God (or whatever you want to call it) to not make me choose between my dreams and this man. I remember saying, "Please don't make me choose." And I didn't have to- the choice was made for me. So I truly believe I am lucky. And for good bad or otherwise, I have made the leap to NYC. (Oh yeah and btw I'm in a 1000% healthier, happier relationship. Yay.)
I've been here about a week or so, including a quick trip home to gather more stuffs. Every day has its new challenges. But my stress breakout all over my face has started to heal. I met Jim O'Heir (Jerry Gergich from Parks and Rec) at a bar after seeing a hilarious Broadway play. (GO SEE THE PLAY THAT GOES WRONG. DO IT). I've had wine with friends and struggled at a new job and laughed and cried and I KNOW NOW that I made the right choice. Nothing worth it is easy. I know the struggles aren't over. But I am so fucking happy I'm here.
- A new New Yorker
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| My buddy Nathan and I out on the town! |
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| So effing FUNNY! |
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| I could get used to this. |
